Dear little one,
I knew you for five days and I am so thankful. I am so thankful for every moment I carried you. Every thought I had of you, every little plan, every little hope we had for you. You are so bright and beautiful. You filled my heart with hope. You are the little one I prayed for, you are the little one I needed. And still need. We all need you.
You slipped away. And we miss you so.
But I am okay. I have cried more in the past two days than I have in a long, long time. Maybe ever. And in many ways, my heart is broken. Yet I still feel strong. I lay in bed as I type and as I cry and as you slip away, but I do not despair. I am broken but my faith is not. Should we praise God for the good, and curse him for evil? I will praise him in all circumstances. I will praise him for the blessing we knew about for five sweet days. I will praise him for our suffering and how it is bringing us closer to his heart. I will praise him for loving you and all of the little children who didn't make it. I will praise him for loving all the mamas whose bodies are left empty.
Five days doesn't sound like much, but we let you into our hearts so fast. My head was careful but my love wasn't, and I don't regret it. But it does hurt. We went to the book store and chose out "I'm a big sister" books for Lily. We talked about names. We talked about due dates and doctors and birth centers. We talked about our fears and hopes and dreams. I downloaded a pregnancy app. I was five weeks pregnant, but I don't remember what size it said the baby was. We told a few people but didn't get the chance to tell our whole family before it was all over so suddenly.
We walked the baby aisle at the store and shared a decaf coffee, just a few days ago, and were filled with so much excitement. We talked about baby monitors and pacifiers and how we'd do better this time about making our own baby food.
I walked that aisle today and cried. I feel empty in a way. Halfway empty. Lily is such a beautiful blessing and she makes me whole, but every time I look at her I imagine her playing with a brother or a sister instead of playing alone. I think of the joy and the giggles and I'm broken.. You know?
I hear people ask me when we're going to have another baby and I tell them I'd love to whenever the Lord blesses us with one. I hear them tell me I need to have another baby right away and I tell them I'd love to, I'm trying, I'm patiently waiting. Impatiently waiting.