I had a meltdown in the baby section tonight. I was looking for a bigger backpack to use as a carry-on for our next flight (because any other kind of diaper bag is impossible to deal with in the airport), and I ended up over in the baby section. And then I found the most perfect diaper bag in the world. Petunia Picklebottom. The coolest pattern. The prettiest bag in the whole world. Half the regular price. And of course, I couldn't take it home with me. Because, why would I need another diaper bag? I only have one baby. A new diaper bag is something you get when you have another baby.
In the five days I knew about our little one that didn't make it, I had already started a baby registry. I know. How naive of me. But worst part is, this diaper bag that I stumbled upon is the one I had registered for. And it hurt so bad.
When I had been feeling okay, everything came rushing back. Hot tears and a knot in my stomach. Just another reminder that I'm not carrying our little one anymore. Just another reminder of how I am broken.
Learning to let go, learning to move on, learning to be okay. I don't know how to do any of this. I wish this was the kind of post where, right now I'd start talking about Jesus and a few verses and the ways that I learned to be 'okay'. But it's not one of those posts. Today is not one of those days. I know a day will come when I will find myself feeling much more okay than today. I know the second half of this post, the one when I turn it around and rejoice in my sorrows, will be written someday.
But tonight... tonight is a night when it's okay to cry, okay to feel the deepest kind of pain and darkness. Its okay to listen to the saddest songs and let my heart grieve. Tomorrow will be bright and beautiful. Tomorrow will be one step closer, a little bit easier.
(This photo is from a few days ago. To confirm the miscarriage, I suppose. To give myself a little more closure.)